Counting cold cups of coffee are how I tell the time these days. One hour blurs into the next. A curious tango of routine that seems to take up the whole day while leaving me feeling like I achieved nothing. Play time, bath time, nap time, (interrupted) me time… and the cycle continues.
I see you in the corner with mischievous eyes glinting as you watch me while nonchalantly reaching for something you aren’t supposed to have. Wrestling things off you seems to have become part of the hum drum of life these days (mental note – hoover. Again!)
As I wrestle things off you my mind drifts back to my old life. Days that used to be filled with nonchalant outings and just leaving the house on a whim. Laundry baskets that used to be empty. A living room that used to be neat and toy free. My old life flickers in memories like a candle at the end of its wick. I can see it only in my mind, now – but it seems like yesterday. Tight jeans and nice tops replaced with a style I can only describe as “Mum chic”. Monthly hair appointments forgotten in favour of nappies and baby grows.
Would I change it? Never. You, my son are worth every load of laundry, every toy scattered beneath my feet, every stretch mark and every extra pound (stone) I piled on while harbouring you safe within. The truth is that motherhood is the deepest and most terrifying, bottomless pit of love. We mothers are fierce, we are strong. Every hurdle we face we flatten it with you in mind.
Motherhood changes us, you see. Once that baby has been placed on your chest your life changes forever. This tiny bundle that has been left in your care will become your one focus, your greatest accomplishment and your greatest love.
So even on a mundane Monday when I spend my afternoon tracking you around my living room, begging you to give me what’s in your tiny fist – this is what I was made for. It’s the mundane moments that become memories all too soon. Some day I’ll beg for a mundane Monday and instead of wrestling things out of your hand I’ll be trying to wrestle my hand into yours. Hoping you’ll hold it once again and knowing that some day you’ll have someone else’s hand to hold.
So for now, I’ll settle in to my routine of mundane Monday’s. It’s not as mundane as one might think.